Deep-press-ions
I think its time for me to open up something that I've been keeping for years, as it might be useful for some people who are going through the same shit like me. you're welcome btw (HAHA!)here goes nothing....... so uh, I've been suffering from depression for like about 6 years (prolly more) now. surprise surprise! Its been going on and off. Its been a tough emotional rollercoaster for me. If you wanna know how does depression feels like, lemme explain it metaphorically, its like walking helplessly, not knowing what to do, full with fears in a really dark tunnel thats meant for trains. whenever the train's passing through you feel like you just wanna stand on the rail and let yourself get hit by it and die. I'm not kidding. thats how I felt all these years. I swear being depressed sucks so bad.
My depression starts after I lost my grandpa from my mum's side exactly 2 weeks after my 13th birthday, that time I was in form 2.............. I didnt get to see him before he passed away due to my school commitments, which made my depression much more worst. I cried myself to sleep everyday for few months and I lost myself. I became the most quiet person, didnt really talk much, which I used to be the most talkative girl with bubbly personality. But my studies werent really affected that time as I was still able to give my full concentration in class but I still wander off tho sometimes because I missed him so bad. It took me months to get over it. I was partially recovered from the depression.
Then in 2009 (you can ask my former classmates if you dont believe me), is when my depression got really worse. It started when I was being admitted in the hospital for like a week in January. Yes, I spent my new years eve in the hospital. such a great start for a new year huh? Obviously I missed my high school orientation (lol. fun fun fun!). I was already depressed while I was "having a sleepover" in the hospital, because I heard the school put me in an art stream instead of science stream (which turns out I'm in sci stream. LOL). Then after I got discharged, I went to school the next day. I can assure you I was clueless like shit. I knew nothing. On my first day of school, the whole class got called by the principal regarding our option subjects (wtf right?), I was still unwell so I wasnt really concentrating with whatever shits the principal are talking about. HAHAHA. But for sure there were alot of "motivational talks" that really "didnt affect" my confidence and spirits at all. Then the next day, I got scolded by my form teacher because she said yesterday I was being rude to the principal through my facial expressions. I mean like, dudddeeee I just got discharged and I was still unwell........... what.................... My depression built up.... Then coping with my subject part......... We were still new to that concept of course we're having a really tough time trying to cope to it and our teachers apparently being so nice demotivate us every single day by saying "your class is much worse than the H class" or "we will demote you guys to art stream". I was crushed. Like I was already depressed, my self esteem depleted and using reverse psychology.............. oh wow, as usual depression built up. I started to hate life, had suicidal thoughts, I lost myself once again, I became the most anti social crap, I spent most of my time online just to get away from it (which apparently some people took it in bad way and didnt realize I was depressed, which really they shouldve helped me to get through it but NOO). I appeared to be more normal when online (well not really. I have depressing/suicidal facebook statuses. well faaakk), I like to spend most of my time alone in real life and I will try so hard to avoid people, I injured myself more often by punching the wall (yeah I fractured my knucklebones. I'll show you alright if u dont believe me. I'm not proud of it tho) and I developed cognitive behavioural disorder, like I'm happy and depressed at the same time. Like whenever I do something that makes me happy, there will always be sadness deep in the inside. My studies was really badly affected. Depression's really affecting my concentrations................. There I was, the used to be top student becme the crappiest student. I still have no idea how the hell in the world with the depressions I had, I was chosen to be the head prefect. HAHAHAHA. I think by 2010, I was slowly recovering. I started to socialize. my studies showed major improvement as I was sitting for O'level exam, theres no way am gonna fail it. hahaha. with the depression, I managed to get through my O'level exam with uh..... partly satisfactory result (but my teachers I swear they scolded me by saying "you couldve gotten straight As". okay D:)
But the recovery process stopped as soon after I finished my O'level exam as I was about to face my first goodbye and move to college. Goodbyes, the shit that I hate the most. Knowing I wont be with my
But my depression is finally bearable when I met my current best friend in the whole wide world, yeah you know who, Munibah Salwani. Seeing her and talking to her every single day really relieves my depression and I am much happier now than before. Thats another reason, ladies and gentlemen why I cant live without my bestfriend. I couldnt thank her enough.
I wouldnt say I am fully recovered from depression now as I still have few of the symptoms which I hope it'll be gone soon. One thing for sure, I'm looking forward to happier life and depressed free life.
Depression is really a bad thing yaknow. But apart from the bad side effects, I developed a major sense of realism. I becme the heavy thinker and etc. I also developed a severe sense of sarcasm (HAHAHA!).
Long story short, if you are depressed, do tell someone you really trust. In my case.................. I didnt. I know I shouldve told my parents
ps: all the stuffs you read above's just part of it. haha. I've alot. theres no way I'm typing/ telling the whole world everything.
pps: My uncle is finally taken. LOL. but with my Malaysian relatives are still around, I'm not entirely free just yet. heh. k. am gonna get my sleep(s) now. my next paper is tomorrow. what........... its k. it'll be over soon.
Gotta blast,
Au Revoir!
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